


Health Code Violations

by tessdebelle



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: BLAME THE PHILINDA CHAT, Baker!Phil, F/M, Food, Food Porn, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, like at all, literal food porn, melinda can't cook, or at least minimal plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 03:15:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9638540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tessdebelle/pseuds/tessdebelle
Summary: Phil owns a bakery. Melinda May has a sweet tooth and a desire for someone sweet.





	

**Author's Note:**

> TBH GUYS this is literally all the fault of the people over in the philinda chat. also don't do this because like they had so many health code violations i had to title it health code violations

When Melinda had first joined Phil’s class, he hadn’t pegged her as being such a horrible baker. He wondered now why he hadn’t figured that out, and why she’d signed up for the class at all

Not that he minded. God, he didn’t mind at all.

Not when he had a beautiful woman beside him, attempting to mix cupcake batter. She was terrible - it had somehow turned outquite lumpy. There were pockets of unmixed flour, he had seen eggshells wind up in the batter, and she had a frustrated look on her face, as if determined that beating the mixture more would help.

It was odd how adorable she looked despite all of this.

It had been a few weeks back that she’d signed up for a class he taught. He ran a bakery, Providence Sweets, and once a week went to a community center where he’d started to hold a baking class.

She had been quiet that first lesson, and even though he’d noticed quickly how gorgeous she was, had hardly taken note of it - most of the people in his class were stay at home parents, but she didn’t seem the type. He hadn’t thought too much outside of admiring her shiny dark hair while trying to focus on the class until he tasted the cookies she made.

She had accidentally used salt instead of sugar.

Somehow, despite the strong taste that had stayed in his mouth all day, he hadn’t been able to get Melinda out of his head, even though he suspected she wouldn’t show up to another class.

But, she did. The next week they made brownies, and somehow, even though it wasn’t even out on the ingredients table, she had managed to use the wrong type of flour and the brownies were the consistency of bricks.

Sometimes he tried to pretend he liked what she made, so as not to insult her. She didn’t seem like the type to get bothered by being bad at baking, but sometimes her mistakes seemed more like she was distracted than bad.

After her custard had curdled in class, he’d suggested that if she wanted to learn to cook so bad, she could come in to his bakery after hours instead and learn one on one. He’d be lying if it wasn’t out of wanting to spend more time with her - teaching the class meant he wasn’t allowed to focus solely on her. She always laughed at the bad puns he made, ‘is there anything else you kneaded’ and ‘you whisk me off my feet’, though he suspected she was more laughing at him than the jokes.

Their first meeting had ended up mostly with the two of them laughing. Melinda was quiet but sweet, with a cutting sense of humor, and even though she couldn’t bake - there was a particular memory where somehow she’d charred the outside of cupcakes while the insides still remained raw - he liked having her there.

This time they were attempting to make mint chocolate chip cupcakes. He’d learned after one of their meetings that she had a weakness for mint chocolate chip ice cream, and found a relatively simple recipe for mint icing and chocolate cupcakes. The icing was going smoothly - he’d finished it and was nearly done with a batch of peanut butter frosting for another of his creations, chocolate drizzle prepared in a bottle to go with it.

“Did that batter do something to personally offend you?” He asked with a small smile.

She set down the bowl down, her batter coated fingers going to rub at her temples. He smirked at the splotches of chocolate on her face. Maybe the batter she made didn’t taste good, but he was pretty sure the taste of her skin would make the cannolis he’d had in Italy bland by comparison.

Melinda didn’t seem to notice and glared at the batter half playfully. “I think no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to be able to bake. Or cook, for that matter.” She said poking the bowl as if she blamed it for the eggshells in the mixture.

“Not a problem with that. A lot of people can’t. It’s like any other skill. I’m unwilling to sing anywhere outside of my shower.”

She smirked. “Not really a singer, though I’m a fairly decent dancer. But I have my talents.”

He licked his lips, thinking about what those talents would be and wanting to learn more about them. “Can I ask why you took a baking class then? Why you keep going with this?”

She opened her mouth, shut it, then opened it again. “Because I doubt it’s my suave charm or wicked sense of humor.” He flirted, moving to throw out the batter she’d made.

“Pretty close, actually. Suave isn’t the word I would use. More dorky charm.” Melinda said while his back was turned.

He looked back at her as he poured the ruined batter out. “I’m sorry?” He asked, sure he’d misheard her or misunderstood.

“Phil, I’m the only single woman in that class above thirty.” She said crossing her arms. “I can’t cook and god knows I don’t enjoy it. What other reason would I have for going to that class?” She asked. She sounded a bit annoyed that she had to spell this out for him, and was it bad that he found that incredibly hot?

“I am an idiot.” He said with a small smile, coming closer, his thumb rubbing at batter drying on her temple.

“True.” She said, and suddenly her arms were around him and he could feel her lips on his.

Phil moaned into her mouth. “Melinda...” He sighed, one hand settling at the small of her back, the other into her hair, frustrated to find she wore a ponytail and gently tugging her hair out of it so he could run his fingers through it. He felt more than heard her soft groan into his mouth, and that was enough for him to tug at the ties of her apron, letting it fall to the floor, his flour-coated hands moving over her and likely leaving white stains on her black T-shirt.

Her arms moved to stroke his back, and he let out short whines of pleasure, his noises almost embarrassing at how little she was doing and how much it turned him on.

He found her kissing his jaw, over the barest trace of stubble, and finding his pulse point, sucking on it hard. “Lin...” He groaned unable to keep his hips from jerking in response. She smiled, and he hoped it was out of him calling her ‘Lin’, that she liked that.

She smirked and he tilted his head to give her better access, the angle directly leading his eyes to the two bowls of icing and bottle of flavored syrup sitting on the counter. He smirked and pulled her back to kiss her hard. “I have an idea.” He said. Melinda raised an eyebrow at him, and he picked up the spatula from the peanut butter, tugging her shirt down just enough to give him access to her lovely collarbone and spreading the peanut butter frosting over her neck, looking up at her to check it was okay. Her head was tilted back and he licked over the icing on her neck, groaning at the combination of her skin and the confection.

“Maybe I should take this off. Better access.” She panted to him. He nodded and watched as she slid off her T-shirt, revealing a black - and wasn’t that surprising - lacy bra.

He licked his lips, his fingers catching on the little bow in between her breasts. “I really like this. It’s a shame I also want it off.” He said smirking.

She laughed and kissed him hard, untying his apron and struggling to get the buttons of his shirt undone. He helped her tug it off before lifting her up onto the counter and crawling on top of her, his hands going to the clasp of her bra looking at her questioningly before she nodded. He slipped it off, mouth going dry for a second before going to the toppings, bypassing the peanut butter icing this time for chocolate syrup and drizzling it onto her breasts, creating detailed patterns all over her and following them with his tongue. She moaned as he lapped over the circles drawn around her nipples and teased her belly button and slid off her pants and underwear, intending to continue his way down when she stopped him.

Phil pulled back tentatively, worried that in his eagerness he’d scared or upset her, but she just pushed him onto his back, choosing the mint icing to spread over his chest, creating a simple path down to where he’d been growing more and more aroused since this had started. He felt like he was burning from the inside out as she licked and sucked away at his chest, pausing to flick his nipples with her teeth, driving him wild in the process as he fought to keep from bucking up beneath her. Soon she was nearing his belt and teasing the coarse hairs on his stomach, unbuckling the leather strap and unzipping his pants, pushing his pants off revealing... Captain America boxers.

She looked at him with that adorable little smirk that implied that he was a nerd and he shrugged. “I guess my lucky boxers worked today.” He said. She rolled her eyes and kissed him before sliding them off, making him jerk when her hand wrapped around his cock.

“Oh, fuck...” He swore, trying and failing to remember when the last time he’d had sex was and if he’d last for what she might be intending to do.

“Are you clean?” Melinda asked him. He nodded. “I think it’s been three years.” He said, and he’d probably blushing if his blood hadn’t already rushed south.

“Two.” She said smiling, which was a relief to him because having a beautiful woman on top of him who had sex often when he hadn’t gotten any in years would have massively deflated his confidence.

She kissed his hipbone and he sucked in a breath as Melinda’s nose rubbed against his base. “I might not last too long.” He choked out.

He could practically feel her smirk as she kissed his tip. “Then we’ll just have to try it again.”

Phil couldn’t help it as his face broke into a grin at the idea that she wanted to do this again, which left him distracted as she took him into her mouth. He bit down on his fist to keep from screaming - the bakery was locked and they were in the back room but it was probably not completely soundproof and he suspected screaming ‘I LOVE MELINDA MAY AND HER FANTASTIC MOUTH’ would not go over well.

His free hand wound into her hair, not able to focus on how soft it was as she started sucking gently, overwhelming him with just the barest touch of her lips as she started to take him deeper, her hand wrapping around what her mouth didn’t as she teased the vein underneath him with the tip of her tongue, her other hand holding him down firmly by the hip to keep him from thrusting into her mouth, and somehow the complete and total control she held over him was almost as much of a turn on as watching her dark hair bobbing as she clearly attempted to drive him insane.

He nearly bit hard enough to draw blood on his hand as he stifled the truly embarrassing noises he was letting out, his head falling back in pleasure before jerking back up to watch her, unwilling to let go of the image of her lips wrapped around him until she removed them with a ‘pop’, and his eyes were drawn to the line of liquid connecting his cock and her mouth. “I want to hear you, Phil.” She said, and he damn near came at just that as he removed his hand from his mouth, whole body shaking, and she wrapped her lips around him.

“Melinda... Dear god, Melinda... Yes!” He babbled, both his hands in her hair not pushing but running through it, feeling the silky texture. “Right... Right there. God, your... Your mouth, you...” He nearly sat straight up, swearing, as he felt her cupping his balls, gasping as if he was dying because she was definitely killing him. “I’m... I’m gonna cum Melinda!” He shouted, his hips thrusting against the palm she had holding him down and he figured she wouldn’t want him cumming in her mouth until she was grabbing his ass, holding onto him as he shouted her name and fell back against the cool metal of the counter, dazed and incredibly happy.

She crawled back up to him and before she could even react he was attacking her mouth, growling at the primal knowledge that he could taste himself on her tongue.

“Your turn.” He said smirking as he laid her back on the table, moving his hands over her sides and legs as he kissed his way down to where he’d been wanting to be since she’d first kissed him... More likely even since they’d first met.

He spread her legs gently, hooking one over his shoulder and breathed in her scent. Even though the smell of baked goods permanently filled the bakery, he could still smell her - slightly musky and warm and so sweet. He slid his tongue out experimentally to taste her and let out a loud groan, his fist smacking the table.

She looked up as if worried. “God you taste fucking amazing.” Phil growled. She moaned and arched her back as he kept going, tracing over her with just the tip of her tongue to savor her. “I could work for a thousand years in this bakery and never find a flavor to rival you. Wouldn’t want to. Don’t wanna share.”

She was shaking underneath his tongue as he moved from teasing and exploring to bringing her pleasure. He vaguely remembered being good at this with his last girlfriend but that had been over five years ago, but based on Melinda’s reactions he was doing well. She was squirming on the table, up on her elbows to watch him, her limbs shaking in her attempt to hold herself up and the leg slung over his shoulder pressing to draw him closer. He slid two fingers into her as he moved his tongue over her folds, finally drawing it around her clit as she let out a drawn out whine of his name and he felt her walls clenching around his fingers. He added a third and kept his tongue moving, drawing out her orgasm as she let out short, breathy shouts before collapsing back on the table.

He laid back beside her on the table, grinning and licking his lips. “I really want to do that again.” He said looking at her face. She looked thoroughly fucked and he hadn’t even gotten there yet, though he was well on his way to hard again.

Melinda kissed him lazily, hands clutching his shoulders, and their flavors mingled in both their mouths, tongues doing what other parts wanted to. He ran his hand over her hip as her hand moved over his length, teasing him to full hardness again. “H-hold on.” He was able to stutter out. “I don’t think this table will hold up under what I’m wanting to do right now.” He said, images of fucking her and the table falling apart coming to mind.

She smirked and sat up, sliding off the table. He followed her and had her pressed against the wall next to the shelves of ingredients, kissing her hard again before going to search for a condom in his wallet. It was good until June. He came back grinding against her before pulling back and thrusting into his fist to be sure he was hard enough and slid on the condom, glancing up to see that she was looking, and if he wasn’t misreading things, aroused by the sight of him touching himself.

“Maybe you should watch later. I had enough to fill my fantasies for days after you somehow managed to get soaked in class.” She pulled him down for another kiss at that, hand at his neck, and kissed him again nodding.

“I think I could be amenable to that.” Melinda said. He groaned drawing her legs up against him and thrusting into her, her back against the wall, taking her hands in his and kissing the inside of her wrist before pinning them above her head with one hand, the other holding onto her hip as he started to move.

“Phil...” She hissed, and if he could keeping hearing her say his name like that he could die a happy man.

“Melinda... God, Melinda...” He groaned as he started moving harder, making the shelves full of ingredients beside them start to shake.

She moaned arching her back against them, and he nuzzled her neck biting down at a spot beneath her ear making her jerk against him. She smelled like Green Tea and lemons and he loved it. She was so hot and tight around him and felt fucking fantastic. He felt her tightening around him - she was so close.

His thrusts got harder, and if he’d been able to pay attention to anything other than her he would have perhaps noticed that several of his ingredients and utensils had fallen onto the floor from how hard he was going. Instead all he cared about was making her cum around him. He started teasing her clit with his thumb, pressing just hard enough to make her let out a short shout into his neck as she came around him.

He held his breath to watch her as she fell apart, clenching his teeth fighting off his own orgasm until she was coming down and a whisper of his name had him following her seconds later.

Phil rested his forehead against hers, smiling lazily, nuzzling her nose. She rolled her eyes at him. “You’re a dork.” She said softly.

He smiled. “You like it.”

“No I don’t.”

“Little bit?”

“Little bit.”

They chuckled together as he kissed her slowly. “You know... I can do more than bake.” He said.

She looked at him arching an eyebrow. “I think you just proved that.”

He snorted. “What I mean is I can also cook. For you. I could cook for you. Tonight.” He suggested slowly.

She smiled and kissed him again. “Dinner sounds perfect. So long as I’m not the one cooking.”


End file.
